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Godwin Samararatne
Discovering Meditation

Retreat at the Waldhaus
Day 7: Relationships

Godwin: Unlike the previous discussions we will try to have a serious discussion tonight, because this is a very serious theme! So what I will try to do is to present the solution found in the Dhamma for problems arising in relationships. And there is a beautiful phrase that is used in this connection. Even in Pali the words sound very nice: Kalyana Mitta, which means a spiritual friend or a noble friend. So I will try to present some problems, difficulties, that human beings experience in relationships which I have been hearing about so often, and then see how one can work with these problems and build up real spiritual friendships where we can really grow together.

So you begin with yourself. How do you relate to yourself? I have been emphasising this aspect very much, where you learn to be your own best friend. So if you can really make that connection with yourself then you see relationships in a different way. Creating more suffering for oneself and more suffering for others may become less, or may not be there at all. This is the first point in a spiritual relationship.

I think another situation which human beings have to face in relating to other human beings is to do with what they consider the shortcomings of others. What do you do when you see someone behaving in a way which you think they should not do?

Retreatant: Give a big minus.

Godwin: We start with a very, very big minus, that is true. And anything else? Do we stop with a minus?

Retreatant: Sometimes we make the minus bigger. There is a German saying: Making an elephant out of a fly.

Godwin: Very good point. So you need only to give a very small minus, but then you make it very big. And some people are very creative. They can speak for the whole morning or the whole night about this small minus. And they speak as if they do not have any minuses themselves! This is another very interesting phenomenon. They speak from a standpoint of perfection. They forget that they are capable of behaving in the same way.

So these are things that one has to realise. And maybe another thing which we do is, we do not stop at a big minus, but then we get really angry, we try to point out the mistake while being very angry with the person. And then because we are angry and are showing it, with this anger we are hurting the other person. And then what does the other person do?

Retreatant: He gets angry also.

Godwin: He also gets angry. Naturally, you get angry and you hurt the other person and the other person tries to return a bigger hurt. So it becomes a competition, to see who can be most hurtful! And if the other person is not getting angry, how would you respond to that?

Retreatant: You would complain: You do not even get angry!

Godwin: Exactly. Sometimes such people are meditators also: after all, we are still only human. So aren't relationships very interesting? Isn't it really valuable to learn from such situations?

In a spiritual relationship, when you see someone doing something wrong, do you say: May you be well, may you be happy, may you be peaceful? Do you say: These minuses are only concepts, I do not use minuses? What will a spiritual friend do in such a situation? He will speak with the other person. Want him to grow. He will engage in kind of a dialogue, for a spiritual friend would try to get the other person to understand his behaviour. Because sometimes we only assume that the other person understands why he is behaving in this way. So it is something very useful to get that person to understand or reflect about his behaviour.

And then the spiritual friend does something very creative also. When the other person does not do anything wrong, the spiritual friend points that out too! It is extremely destructive to point out only the minuses, to point out only when the other person does something wrong. It is extremely important to tell the other person when the other person is doing something good, something skilful, something wholesome. This is a quality we need to cultivate. The other quality you do not have to cultivate, it is there naturally!

So it needs some effort to see these positive qualities and to say this with your whole heart and to really show your deep appreciation for these things. This can be something very touching. There can be a beautiful communication when such a thing happens. So then that spiritual friend does the same thing to you. It is sharing with each other, not taking up a position: I am better, or I am superior to you. But really sharing together, learning together, growing together.

And sometimes it is also important to know when it is necessary to be assertive. So you should know when to be gentle and when to be assertive. I will share with you an experience of what a woman in Sri Lanka told me about in this connection. This was when I was in a very remote village speaking to a group of meditators. And one of the women shared this experience with the group: She said that her husband would come home drunk and he would break the pots, the plates, the cups and so on. She tried so many things, practising loving-kindness, speaking to him in a very kind, gentle way when he was sober. She spoke to his other friends, and through the friends she tried to influence him. She would collect all that he had broken and keep it in a place where he could see it. All these tools did not work. At last one day when he came home drunk she said: If you break one plate, I will break ten! That was the end of his breaking plates!

So as a spiritual friend you have to use these methods in a skilful way and not always simply be passive. Some people understand only this language. This is another point to remember.

Another thing is when you realise that the other person is closed. I have been hearing this very often since coming here. And I have also noticed the gesture that they use. Now, I know even Sri Lankans would say: My friend is moody, he does not speak, but they do not use this gesture. So I am very curious to know, please tell me, what this gesture really means.

Retreatant: It means there is a shutter coming down.

Godwin: Some tell me: When I am open, his shutter comes down. And when he is open, my shutter comes down! Is that correct? So as a spiritual friend, what do you do with the shutters? Very practical question. Any suggestions? Any solutions?

Retreatant: Let the person be in peace.

Godwin: Leave the person with closed shutters in peace. May you be peaceful!

Retreatant: You can wait for their opening up.

Godwin: We can wait until the shutters open.

Retreatant: Or you can stop playing the emotional tango for a while, and after a while you try again. Perhaps if you are lucky it opens.

Godwin: In a creative relationship it might be helpful to explore all this, because it is possible that the person really does not know under what circumstances it happens. He or she may not have control over it. So this is where if two people have a connection, have a concern for each other, what is beautiful is if they can explore these things, discuss these things, have a Dhamma discussion. And then see how they can slowly, slowly explore whether the shutter can open. Sometimes it is very useful to get feedback, because the one who is doing this may not realise under what circumstances it happens, what triggers off this situation. So it is really very helpful, this kind of exploration together. Then the person knows: When my shutter goes down, my friend is not hurt by this, my friend understands me. I feel that if you can have this kind of concern and care - I do not know whether I should make this grand statement - whatever problems may arise it may be possible to work them out in some way together. Rather than trying to work them out alone by yourself. I mean it is something very, very supportive to find someone else helping you, and to be helping each other like this.

I think another challenge we have, again a skill to learn, something to cultivate, is that when there are differences, to try to really understand the other person from his or her position. Here again, you become so fixed with your own conclusions, your own ideas about things, your own assumptions, your own idealism or whatever, that it is extremely difficult to forget all that for a moment and see the other person from his or her position.

This is a very interesting practice. It is not easy, but just to forget your own world and try to understand the world of the other person. It is like playing with a child. If you want to learn to play with a child, you have to forget your own world and enter into their world - and it is something really beautiful to get into the world of the child. Then you can communicate with the child, you can communicate with the other individual in this way. Otherwise naturally the two worlds clash and there cannot be any communication. So this is another skill. So you see in a spiritual relationship how it allows us to develop these very important skills, these very important spiritual qualities.

What are the other challenges we have? I think another challenge we all have is that we have become so dependent on what others think of us. It is a great need we have, a need for plusses from other people. I'd like to mention that it can be a very strong need. But here again, if you are serious in growing up you have to work with this dependency, because otherwise it can become a problem where you are all the time trying to please others, all the time trying to get plusses from others. And then if you are not getting plusses from others you think you are not trying enough, and then you try even harder and it can become really a vicious circle.

What is the basis of this need to be so dependent on the plusses of others?

Retreatant: Emotional insecurity, and lack of self-acceptance.

Godwin: Here again it means that it depends on how you relate to yourself. So you see how important it is to examine how you relate to yourself. So again, this ability to see yourself as your own best friend and really become self-contained within yourself.

Sometimes I like to use this metaphor of toys. Although we are grown up we still need these external toys. So sometimes we can be changing one toy for another and then not getting satisfied with that toy. It is a case of just continuing to change toys and still not really being content, not really being self-contained. This is one of the greatest challenges we have. This is why I have been encouraging you to spend some time alone and see when being alone, do you feel lonely, do you feel bored with yourself? See how far you can learn to be your own best friend in that situation. If that connection can be made then you become your own toy. And when you can see yourself as your toy you can find yourself very amusing, entertaining, interesting. You have everything within yourself.

Then something beautiful happens. When you are alone you can play with the toy, and when you are with others you can enjoy others. So this is another challenge we have in relationships, again using that challenge to grow spiritually. Then whether you get plusses or minuses from others, whether you get praise or disapproval from others, you become self-contained within yourself.

What are the other challenges we have, problems we have, difficulties we have in relating to human beings?

Sometimes, for different reasons, one may be in a position of having to work with or to relate to a person who can be extremely unreasonable, authoritarian and so on. I have been hearing from meditators that sometimes you have such a boss in the places where you are working. He or she does not believe in spiritual relationships. He is a very ruthless boss, he or she wants things done in his or her own way.

How does one work with such a person? Sometimes such a boss may not only be at work, there might be such a boss at home also. Perhaps your neighbour can become such a person. So how to work with these real challenges we have in relationships? Do you leave the job, do you leave the house? Do you find another house because the neighbour is the boss?

Retreatant: I think the best way is to try to understand the other person, try to have a little talk with the neighbour, understand what happened in his life, why he is the way he is.

Godwin: Anything else?

Retreatant: Try to send the boss loving-kindness.

Godwin: Try to send the boss loving-kindness: May the boss be well, may he be more peaceful, may he not create suffering for me!

What I would like to suggest is something entirely different. So you start experimenting, exploring, using the boss as your most valuable teacher. Like inviting the monsters you say: Now today I hope my boss will show his or her power. Because this morning I had a very good meditation, I have lot of space in the mind. I have a lot of clarity because I did loving-kindness meditation this morning. So let me see what will happen with the boss. Then you are prepared.

Some days the meditator is successful, the boss did everything possible but there was no problem. You should give yourself a big plus, and feel grateful to the boss. But as we are still human, there are some days when loving-kindness meditation did not work, morning meditation did not work, and then there is hurt, disappointment, and wounds. Then, what do you do? Do you give up meditation?

Retreatant: Not go to the office.

Godwin: Isn't it interesting: one failure, one time you fail and that is it. So what you can do, and this is a very important practice: when you have failed and when you have recovered from that, try to reflect on it and make that the object of meditation. This has to be done only when you have recovered from the wound that has been created. And it has to be done in a friendly, gentle and kind way. Not to have a kind of stick: now what happened, why didn't my meditation work, that shouldn't have happened, and so on. Because then there is more hatred, more guilt, more feeling worthless.

Now this is the beauty of having a spiritual friendship with oneself. So like having a dialogue with another spiritual friend you have this friendly dialogue with yourself: What really happened to you, my dear? At what point did the monster arise? How many monsters came? Here you have to be very truthful and honest, to acknowledge that this and that happened. But no need to give a big minus, just to acknowledge it, to realise it, that that is what happened.

Or perhaps you can even give yourself a big plus: It is okay, I am still trying, I am still human, I am still imperfect, but it is nice that I am still continuing with my practice - wonderful! You go the next day, go the next week, see what will happen then. Then you come to a state that whether you are successful or whether you have failed makes no difference because both situations can become objects of meditation. Isn't that an interesting way to live? Isn't that a beautiful way to live? Learning from our failures, learning from our mistakes.

Here again Thich Nhat Hanh says something very beautiful. He says: Compost is something that is dirty, but you can use the compost to grow flowers. So this is our compost. Learning to use the compost to grow, to grow spiritually. What is the problem? And all that is due to the very good teacher.

Retreatant: If we do what you tell us to, do we have to take everything as a teacher? For example, when a husband comes home and beats his wife, should we take him as a teacher? Also if I have to go to work with a very unpleasant boss and I have to go there for 40 or 50 years, I think it is better to look for another job.

Godwin: Or in the meantime the boss may die within these 40 to 50 years! Anyway, that important question brings up the point that we must know our boundaries. Here is another challenge in relationships, in spiritual life, to know our boundaries. Talking of boundaries, I have a very interesting relationship with this little guru here, this little child: we are slowly, slowly becoming friends. When I give him something he takes it, when I smile, sometimes he smiles. When I play, sometimes he will also try to play. But he knows his boundaries very, very well. I tried to carry him twice, but he pushed me away: just be friends at a distance. This is how a child of that age indicates its boundaries. When I touch his body to carry him - body language! This is real communication! So I just took this as an example of how we should be very clear about our boundaries. Like the little guru saying: no, sometimes you must also say: Now it is enough. Enough with the boss, enough with whoever it is.

You can make a choice: Do I let it pass, do I give in to it? Or do I act like the snake, the cobra? Sometimes in relationships we need to be like the cobra. This is a famous story that comes from the Indian tradition. It is about a cobra that was practising loving-kindness. So this cobra was in a forest, meditating on loving-kindness: May all beings be well, may all beings be peaceful. And there is an old woman who comes collecting firewood. She sees this cobra and she thinks that it is a rope. So she uses it to tie up the firewood. As the cobra was practising loving-kindness it allowed the woman to do that. And the woman took the bundle of firewood home and afterwards the cobra manages to escape, but with a lot of bruises, pain, wounds and so on. The cobra decides: I should have an interview with the teacher at six in the morning! It knocks at the door, and says: You see I was practising your loving-kindness - but look what happened to me! The teacher very calmly says: You have not been practising loving-kindness, you have been practising idiotic compassion. You have to show that you are a cobra, you have to hiss!

Yes, anything else?

Retreatant: Yes, I would say that if we are in a relationship we also have to see what is the real way to help the other person. If I come back to the example with the woman and her husband beating her - if she leaves the husband then she gives him a chance to see what was happening, what he has been doing.

Godwin: This is very, very important, this reflection. So this is why I suggested that sometimes you can do these reflections together, the two people who are involved. Or if you are unable to do that, to really reflect on it yourself. This is why I have been encouraging this practice of reflection.

Retreatant: The husband comes home and takes it out on the wife, and the wife takes it out on the children, that is possible.

Godwin: And the children take it out on the dog! Anyway, I have been presenting some areas for you to reflect on. So now is the time to ask questions. Please ask questions about important issues in relationships, practical questions, relate some practical situations.

Retreatant 1: What if you have the impression that your partner was overwhelmed for a while with her emotions, and did not act for a while in a normal way, like she was quite out of control, leaving you and going to another partner? And then after some time she recognises that she was overwhelmed by her emotions. What should one do if after some time this person wants to come back?

Godwin: I have not thought of such a situation before, but let us reflect. Suppose you are a meditator and then such a thing happens, how does one deal with such a situation?

So I think you must try to reflect on what is happening in you. Now, this kind of reflection has to be done when there is space, when there is some clarity, when one can see the situation very, very clearly,, as far as possible. So the first question to reflect on is: why did she leave me in the first place? Was there anything that I was doing that resulted in this? And as I said earlier, trying to see it from her point of view - that is very, very important.

So as I said, to have that kind of space to see it from her position one has to have a lot of understanding. When that type of reflection is practised I am sure there will be questions, doubts that will arise in your mind. And when the person has come back, can you have an honest dialogue with her?

Now in this dialogue as a meditator it does not mean that you have to be always passive and say: It is wonderful that you have come back! But in this dialogue one has to question her, find out why she did it, under what circumstances she did it. So this kind of dialogue gives her an opportunity to really reflect on her own behaviour. If in this kind of dialogue reflection can take place it is something very, very helpful, something very creative, where two individuals are really understanding, trying to understand their behaviour. And through that a connection may be made, it depends on the situation. You may be in a state to reflect: Can I heal my wound in this situation? And if you are unable to heal the wound, maybe you should tell her honestly: This is my situation.

Maybe others might have better solutions, I would like to hear.

Paul: I would like to share with you three tools that I have found very helpful in relationships. The first tool you mentioned before but it is so important: it is just to be here for the other person. It does not depend on the amount of time we spend, it is a question of quality. Just really feel the moment, sit and feel I am here. Thich Nhat Hanh always stresses this, he gave one talk for about two hours only speaking about this issue.

The second tool comes out of this and it is very practical. It is the so called `deep listening'. This is just to sit and to really hear what the other person is saying. What is said, body language, everything. Really to understand, not to just react.

The third tool I found in the last months through the help of another person. It is that a relationship always shows you your own behaviour patterns. And therefore sometimes it is much easier to get along with strangers everywhere else, but you come home and all is broken. Because all the different reactions you have your partner knows after a while. And all the different reactions show a pattern, for example, you feel some criticism, some aversion and you react.

It is very important to think what is the main problem in the relationship and what kind of pattern is there, and then to try in meditation to find a sentence like: I will not react. It is very interesting to take this as a tool whenever something comes up that pushes you to react, to see with awareness: I am on the way to reacting. This changes relationship-problems.

Godwin: Thank you very much. I would like to hear something from you all on this, you might have similar suggestions, similar experiences.

Retreatant 2: I wonder why he only asked what to do if she wants to come back, and why he does not ask himself if he wants her to come back.

Retreatant 1: I told her, before we can meditate about this problem, the wound must be healed and this takes time, and afterwards it may be possible to move onto this issue.

Retreatant 2: I have another point: I think it is a shortcoming to say that the problem started when she left. I think there must have been already problems before she left. And I think that it would be very necessary to look at the relationship before she fell in love with the other person.

Retreatant 3: I do not agree with that. It is not always a question of the relationship. One partner can be destructive. He can change his mind or he can change his feelings. I do not believe that I always have to look at myself and to give myself a minus for the other partner's wrong behaviour. I am not always responsible for what the other one is doing.

Godwin: Very good, very interesting.

Retreatant 2: I just want to say it is not always a question of wrong or right. Sometimes it just does not work. I have discussed these things in my relationships and asked so much about myself and the other person, using all the tools you have told us about, and sometimes it just does not work.

Paul: Most of the time there is a misunderstanding of the Buddhist teaching. We are looking for keys, simple keys we can put in the door and the door opens, and everything is alright. For me at least the Buddhist way is to just use this situation to learn - it is not simply a key for having better relationships. This is a very subtle thing. Because always a little bit later we try to make it something very functional.

Retreatant 4: I want to say something: I think it is very important that the relationship grows, not only the people. Because the relationship is a reflection of the whole world, and if we want to live together in peace then we should at first succeed in a relationship one to one. If that is not possible nothing is possible.