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Godwin Samararatne
Living with Awareness

Retreat Talks in Fa Yim Kok, Lantau Island, Hong Kong

Day 6: 20th October 1998

6: Meditators Experiences during the Day

Godwin: I'm very happy to see your happy faces. It shows that the medicine is working. I would like to hear any experiences you would like to share.

Retreatant: I went downstairs for lunch after you suggested we focus on greed. By the time I got downstairs the food was on the table. But before my eyes even made contact with it my nose did, and it's amazing how the greed just blew up and I felt like an animal. It is quite clear when you really stop and, to use that expression that someone used last night, if you look at it from a third person's perspective. It just comes up and it just goes away. I'm an animal, with very strong volition.

And then after I had my first bowl of food, what really brought things into perspective was that for me it's virtually like crossing the stream, to not have that second bowl. For me it was like going against the stream. I really had to use will power and say: no, that's enough.

Godwin: I appreciate your honesty in sharing your experience in this way.

Retreatant: Were you a little more hungry than you were yesterday since you only had the one bowlful?

Retreatant: Since lunchtime I didn't notice any difference at all.

Godwin: So it shows that the hunger is mostly in our head, our concepts, rather than what you really feel in the stomach.

Retreatant: Thinking of the banquets that I have been to in Hong Kong, the food that has been presented and how much can be consumed, it's flabbergasting.

Godwin: For the poor Sri Lankan there is sadly no such thing.

Retreatant: Eating is guided by our concepts. I do not eat something because it tastes good or bad but rather whether it is healthy. I love drinking soups, particularly the ones prepared by our kind lady chef here. At home, I normally drink about two or three bowls of soup because I love soup which I consider to be healthy, whether it tastes good or not. And today when I had already had my first bowl of soup and I was going to have some more, when I was about to scoop up the second bowl I hesitated because I remembered what you said, that we should mind whether other people would need to drink the soup as well, people who have not yet drunk it. So I thought: should I forgo this extra bowl of soup? But in the end I had a second bowl because I was concerned for myself.

When it came to the food placed on the table, again I did not choose by what tastes good or what tastes bad, I aimed for the green vegetables because to me, guided by my concepts, this is healthy food. So I went first for the green vegetables and continued eating green vegetables only, until later on when I tried another dish which was the diced vegetables. Then I found out that it tasted very good. And then I realised that all the while I have been eating without wanting to know whether things tasted good or bad, but only what is important for me, and that is a new discovery for me.

When J. came to scoop up the diced vegetables I thrust my bowl in front of him and indicated he should scoop some for me. That was not because I had a desire to eat more of the diced vegetables but I felt that I wanted to be pampered as well. I knew I was a bit naughty but I wanted to be pampered as well, just like the way we pamper you.

Godwin: Just a brief comment about living in a country like Hong Kong where there are lots of things that are available and plenty of them. An interesting exercise would be to discriminate between your real needs and your greed. I suppose this is how a meditator can function in a country where there is such consumerism.

Anything else?

Nature and the Dhamma

Retreatant: During the individual meditation session I was down by the sea near here and I was enjoying the scenery, the sea and the trees around, and then I noticed some rotten vines, and I thought to myself, this is spoiling the scene, because it was not pretty when all the other trees were green and pretty. Then I noticed discrimination arose in my mind. I was judging what was pretty, what was not. When I noticed how this liking and disliking arose, I thought to myself, what if there were no green and beautiful trees around now but only rotten and dead trees around me. If that happens, would I be truly unhappy? Would my world be dictated by external factors? Then I realised that this is all part of nature: as the Buddha said, everything that is formed has to die and this is just a natural cycle. The trees die and they sprout up again.

If we really understood this principle, then even though there are scenes that we do not like if we really understand the Dhamma, then it would really not affect us. And then I realised that, just like those trees, my body will die one day as well. If we really understand this teaching, if we really accept it, there would be no such thing as suffering at all. When I got to this stage of reflection I suddenly felt very relaxed, very happy.

Also just like J., while I was in the midst of reflection, a buzzing bee came around. I did not panic. Normally I am very afraid of bees but this time I did not react and the bee was very close to me so we were staring at each other eye to eye. And because I did not have fear, this time I looked the bee in the eye and noticed very clearly the colours of the bee. I could see its big round eyes and wings. That was a very interesting incident for me.

Because of this joyous feeling that arose in me during my reflection, I found that when I was in a state of joy, little things that I used to be afraid of did not affect me. And if we accept nature as it is, we might understand the law of nature. Then even if everything around me has rotted and died, it should not affect me at all. I should still have this joyous state.

I think not all bees are bad. They can be very helpful as well.

Retreatant: Just some information on bees. Just before I came to this retreat, I read an article about bees. The author said that in Hong Kong, in this season, early Autumn, the bees are in their most frustrated time. The article warned hikers to be wary of bees at this time. The article mentioned two kinds of activities of the bees. One typical type is that they would come and fly around you and this behaviour is for patrolling only. They are patrolling to see whether you would break their homes. These are the patrolling bees. But bees that fly in a straight line are working bees.

Godwin: I would like to share my experience with bees. I think as J. referred to in the article, I have experienced lots of patrolling bees. Maybe while patrolling they have just spared me. This is what has happened so far but I don't know what will happen in the future.

Retreatant: Because of your Metta.

Godwin: Let me go back to the earlier experience with nature. I would like to make a few comments.

The first thing is, what a lot we can learn from nature. So this point was brought out very well in your account about nature. The second point is how reflection, this reflecting kind of meditation, using thoughts creatively, can be extremely helpful to us. And the third point is, as you rightly said, depending on our state of mind, then we are in a position to handle whatever negative or unpleasant experience that we are faced with.

And maybe a fourth point is, when we have fear in relation to bees or anything else, we can never see their beauty. So because you did not have any fear you were able to see the beauty in a bee at that time.

And about the point of death and impermanence, I would like to mention that this is a very important topic to reflect on sometimes. In Buddhist meditation this reflection on death plays a very important role in the practice. In Sri Lanka, in forest meditation centres, when you visit such places you see skeletons being used by meditating monks to remind them of the fact of impermanence and the fact of death.

Death is the most certain thing in life, and what is unfortunate is that we forget the most certain thing in life and get involved in other things that are uncertain. But if you can be with this most certain thing in life, then when we encounter it, either in ourselves or in others it doesn't affect us in the same way.

And as you rightly realised, in nature you get death and life co-existing together. They are not separate. They are inter-related, inter-connected. This is how we should see life and death. Not to see them as separate but to see how they are connected, inter-related. Then ideally, whether you live or die it makes no difference. Then you know the way to live and you know the way to die.

Anything else?

Retreatant: You have been telling us that we have to be our best friend but you have not told us the details about how to make friends with ourselves. So I have been reflecting on this point, as to how I could do it. I recalled that when I met my best friends in the past we shared our experiences and we tried to console each other when we had problems. If my best friend had any problems I would listen to her problems patiently, and if I have something happy to relate I would share my happiness.

Through my experience with my friends I think I have grasped the technique, so to speak. And during the meditation in the past two days I think I can handle things like thoughts. When a thought comes I will not react to it and then it will go away. And in this sense I think I have grasped the technique. And because I realised this, I felt I should be happy with myself.

This afternoon, during the outdoor meditation session, I was practising observation of suffering as you told us to. I was reflecting on the Four NobleTruths and when I thought of suffering I somehow felt helpless because it seems that I am always drawn into the suffering itself. When I felt this rather negative emotion arising, then I remembered that I am my own best friend. So I said, well, if I am my best friend, I should share my sorrows with my best friend. Then I found my best friend, myself, did not know what to do either! My best friend is also confused! So helplessly I said to myself, let us sit down and have a think. While I sat down with my best friend, I began to laugh at this notion and then I told myself: Well, there is no need to worry about the future. We are always trying to think of how to get out of suffering in the future, why bother thinking about that now?

Godwin: Usually in retreats I try to give talks on different themes in the Dhamma. But in this retreat it just happened that I have been inviting people to share their experiences and it has been such an inspiring experience for me and I am sure also for others. And it has been also a learning experience for me, to see what I can learn from these experiences, these insights, these discoveries about the Dhamma. It brings out the beauty of the Buddha's teaching. So we should all be grateful that we have been able to discover the Buddha's teaching, and I think it is also a good practice to feel grateful for the Buddha. One meditation that people in some traditional Buddhist countries practise is to reflect on the Buddha's good qualities. Sometimes this can be a very powerful and inspiring experience: to reflect on the depth and the wisdom and the loving-kindness of the Buddha, and how these come through in the teaching.

Anything else?

Retreatant: You gave us certain directions as to how we should eat. For example, we should feel grateful before we eat, how to watch for the taste, etc. At that time a thought arose in my mind, that is: It is suffering to do so many things before one eats. Then another thought arose, that you only told us to observe, not to stop us from eating, so I became happy again. When I actually tasted the food and ate I began to understand that this is meditation. Meditation is part of our daily life. Meditation is to bring our attention to the present moment, the tasting, whether it is good or bad, whether it is pleasant or unpleasant. I realised that suffering and happiness can exist at the same time. There is a Chinese saying: When the suffering ends, some form of good will come. Then I reflected that after the experience of suffering, when you look back, then you can really say that you've learnt something.

Godwin: That is real wisdom!

Retreatant: I find that quite to the contrary, when I eat with mindfulness the food is not as tasty, but when I eat without mindfulness at all, all the tastes get really blown up, and the food gets really, really tasty!

Retreatant: I have the same quantity of lunch everyday here but I felt extra full today because I ate very slowly.

Godwin: We have often heard this from meditators.

Dsicussion about Worries and Fears

Retreatant: I want to talk about the things that can be brought about by worrying. At 6 p.m. this evening I went over to the temple just in front of this place to visit a monk who is a friend of mine and I did not get back here until 6:30. Then a thought arose because it was getting darker and darker very quickly at that time, and I was a bit worried because I did not have a torch and there were no street lamps, and what if something happened? It was not really totally dark, I could still see the road at that time, but there was this protracted worry: What if something happens? Then I realised that the best thing to do was to walk quicker and get back to this place rather than worry about something that might happen in the future.

Godwin: Very good.

Retreatant: Actually I had a similar experience yesterday when I went for a walk during the outdoor meditation not far from here, because I never go too far by myself. When I went a bit further from the nunnery here, there were rustling noises behind the trees. They sounded like human footsteps running towards me, running very fast towards me. I was dead scared because I thought it was some illegal immigrants or whatever, somebody was aiming at me and I was on my own. But I stood still and looked because I could not run away faster than a man anyway, if it was a man. So I stood still and looked through the trees to try to find out whether it was a man or just falling leaves. I could not see anything, but the footsteps kept running towards me and then they stopped but I could not see anything. Then I stood still and eventually saw a dog coming out! And there I was having all sorts of thoughts of being hurt by someone else.

Retreatant: A lot of suffering and worries are created by the imagination.

Retreatant: By thoughts, because I was thinking of a human being. A human being who will do me some harm.

Retreatant: I think her fear had some foundation. It could be that somebody was trying to do her harm. It's possible.

Godwin: But in this particular incident she found it was not so. I think there can be rational fear and irrational fear. So it is very important to know the difference. Supposing you knew very well that there were people around at that time, having such a fear could be considered rational because it has an actual basis. But irrational fear is, as we have been discussing, related to the imagination and thoughts creating the fear. It has no basis whatsoever.

There is an interesting text in which the Buddha describes how he worked with fear before he became enlightened. So he was meditating in the forest. And then when he would do walking meditation in the night, because of the sounds he heard, he would have certain fears arising in his mind. And it says in the text, in whatever posture he was meditating in when fear arose, he would not change the posture. So if he was doing walking meditation, while walking, without running, he would watch, observe and confront that fear, try to understand that fear and work it through.

In the experience that you presented, supposing you had started to run, you would have imagined the footsteps following you and you would have got more and more fear and you might have even panicked. So as the Bodhisatta did, what you did was also the same. And not panicking, not running, staying there and exploring and investigating, you made a profound discovery.

I would like to share another experience a meditator told me about.

There is a meditator here who last year was asking me many questions, and was coming for many interviews, but this year she has not asked any questions and she has not come to see me. So I was wondering what was happening, and I was having my own thoughts about it. So then I asked her. She gave a very interesting, a very inspiring answer. She said: I still have questions but I try to find out the answers myself. This is beautiful. Learning to be your own teacher. Learning to be your best friend.

Retreatant: I want to know about how to deal with fear. In the case of a bee, should we just stand there and work with the fear or walk away, since there are two possibilities. It might really sting you or it might not. So how do we distinguish between the rational fear and imaginative fear?

Godwin: Very good question.

So in the case of Prince Siddhattha and in our own case, as there was not something objectively apparent, one can pause and try to find out whether this fear is imaginary or whether it is a factual fear. But in the case of the bee, it is a fact that there is a bee buzzing around you; it is not imagination. So as it is a fact, then we have to act.

Retreatant: I don't know the difference concerning the bees flying around here. I had two or three bees following me today and I found that whether my fear is rational or irrational, it is still fear. It makes no difference to me. So I found that how I deal with one fear is the same as with the other. Today I didn't know which fear was which. I didn't know there are two kinds of bee and the bee landed on my head and it was ticklish. I thought it won't necessarily bite me, sting me, and then it just crawled on my head and it was ticklish. I had to laugh because it was ticklish and not because I enjoyed it. I mean, maybe it would have stung me, I don't know because I didn't know whether the fear was rational or irrational.

Godwin: Sometimes I think it is helpful to draw this distinction. In Sri Lanka there is a war that is going on. And going to such places where there is a war naturally the fear has a basis. But if one does not face that kind of situation and then a person starts to imagine that maybe walking in the streets of Kandy he might get killed, although in Kandy there is no war, such a person will never go out of his or her house.

Another difference is that in the case of irrational fear we have a chance to work with it. This is the important thing for us as meditators. We can see very clearly, as it was mentioned, how thoughts can create stories. A very important discovery to make. So sometimes it is just an innocent thought that comes and then you start imagining, and how this can even result in your panicking is a very important realisation. To see how from one condition arising there is a vicious circle activated in the creation of fear. In the case of rational fear you know that there is an objective fact and that is the end of it, that is it. But in a way, S. is right. The impact it has on the person, whether it is rational or irrational is the same.

So with meditation, with awareness, we might be able to make these discoveries. And what is also important is to work with our fear in this way.

Anicca and Anatta

Now, if there are no more experiences to share I'd like to say something about what we can do tomorrow. So then we might try to work on two very important aspects of the Buddha's teaching which some of you have already been experiencing. In discovering the medicine and using the medicine these are two powerful aspects of the Buddha's teaching, which is the fact of change, the fact of impermanence, and the fact of no-self. So tomorrow we will, as far as possible, try to work with these two very important aspects of the Buddha's teaching.

So to be open to any change that may arise physically and mentally and even externally. If we insist that change should take place according to our own idea, then when there is change which does not correspond to that idea it leads to suffering. But by realising that this is the nature of existence, that it changes and that we have no control over change, then if you can be open to change in whatever form it arises, internally or externally, this will result in freedom.

And according to the Buddha, this fact of change and impermanence and this idea of no-self are very well inter-connected, inter-related. He has a very interesting argument. If we own things, if there really is an ego, a self, then we should be able to order things: Now things should happen in this way, according to my ideas. But as there is no self, no ego, we cannot do that. So therefore we have to see from the fact of change, that there is no self-identity, no agent, only the process of change itself.

It is interesting that whenever there is suffering, there is suffering because you want things your way, and this your way or my way is the result of the feeling that you are Somebody. So tomorrow whenever we are suffering, just find out what is the idea, what is the model that you are holding on to which is now being challenged. It is always some idea of how it should be, how it must be according to the ideas the self has.

And as tomorrow and the day after are the last two days we have, we will try to focus more and more on our everyday practice, our everyday life. So tomorrow and the day after we will discuss all the problems and all the difficulties you have to encounter in everyday life, and let us see how far the tools that we have been discussing, the tools that we have been practising with, can be used in everyday life.

So tomorrow and the day after I would like you to present practical situations, practical difficulties in everyday life and then to ask: Now how can meditation help in such a situation? So please reflect on such questions, and if you are reluctant to ask them you can even write them down and pass them on to someone so they can be read out.

It is easy to take medicine here while we are on retreat and it is easy to see the benefits of the medicine here. But what is more important is how we can take the medicine back to Hong Kong in our everyday lives.

Thank you.